Top Ten Facebook No-No’s

"No, she diiiiiin't!!"

CAT’S TOP 10 NO-NO’S ON FACEBOOK:

1. Do not befriend your boss/coworkers.  You are bound to slip one day and talk about the drunken bash you attended at said other Facebook friend’s house the night before… and someone tags you with the photo of you wearing a lampshade on your head and you call in sick at work the next day….busted.  Not only that, but the coworker/boss wasn’t invited. Double busted.

2.  Avoid embarassing yourself. You send a gang invitation to 700 people on facebook to meet at a club/bar for a good time. Only one person shows up.

3. Don’t be lazy.  You send a gang invitation to everyone in your address book, but then you forget that friend or family member that you cut ties with years ago.  That perv uncle is now allowed access to your every move. Dontcha just hate when that happens?  You can “x” them off, but now you’re REALLY out of the will.

4.  Do check your privacy settings.  This gives you control over who can see what.  Be sure to check that “friends of friends of friends of friends” cannot see your profile without an invite.  See No. 1.

5.  Don’t indicate you are in a relationship.  Some young adults change that field so often, it’s a death wish for their social life. If you are under 30, your hormones are not settled enough to make that announcement. Just stop it.  Only indicate you are in a relationship if: a) she’s your babymama; b) she has a rock the size of gibraltor on her left hand; or c) she/he is your soulmate, and she/he is in agreement on that and you share an emotional prenup.

6.  Don’t put your dog/cat as your profile picture.  Enough said…you dork. This will prevent you from ever being able to say you are in a relationship! (And that includes you, Barrack, and your new little dog, Toto.) See No. 5.

7.  Refrain from discussing politics on your site.  Homeland Security is watching, yo.

8.  Refrain from posting images of yourself in personality-revealing photos that show you have questionable judgment.  This may include excessive display of the following: thongs, pongs, bongs, cleavage, tongues, fingers near tongues, clinging to the porcelain goddess, sliding down a pole (unless your are in the firefighting industry), glimpses of your caslapka, girls behaving badly, studying NFL playbooks.

9.  Limit pictures of small children to one or two cutesy photos.  We love children as much as you do, but for once, it really is all about you. Enjoy it while you can.

10.  Don’t take Facebook personally.  Yes, we were all picked last for the kickball team in grade school at one time or another. But just because someone has 1,679,546,649,870 friends, and you only have 10, it’s okay. Just be sure you’ve taken the picture of your cat off your site.  See No. 6.

Disssssss-claimer: Cat represents and endorses the accuracy and reliability of the above statements, advice, and opinions.  Reliance upon said opinions, advice or statements, although highly suggested, shall be at your own risk. I am not liable for social ineptness or communication line failures you may experience on your Facebook account. No animals were harmed in this production.

Google this..

It’s in the DNA of our family.  But I say it loud and proud. I can be such a smart-ass.  And I just found the perfect outlet for my “smart-ass-ishness.”

Did you ever just cringe when someone – oh, let’s say a lazy coworker, family member or friend -  says “Well, where did you find that?” or “How do I get there?”  I always give them the five-second death stare, but upon noticing that deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes, figure they’re just thinking out loud and eventually will soon morph out of their “lazy ass” mode and think for themselves.  Because in this high-tech era, how can people not know the site G-O-O-G-L-E ?

But Google – the what, where, when and how masters of the universe -has just been one-upped by some brilliant geekoid. There is now an actual site called Let Me Google That For You. It was created just for those of us who are inundated with those coughidiotscough who would rather inconvenience you with their question rather than google it themselves. Although it feels and smells and tastes like the Google home page, it is not associated with Google. And the best part is that it’s USER UNFRIENDLY!

YOU, as the recipient of said co-worker, family member or friend’s question, go onto the site, google their question or topic, and send them the link to the information they are too lazy to go find themselves.  Upon receiving said link and clicking on it (remind them: click on the little blue underlined thingy) they will receive –  along with the information they were looking for –  a fancy-fonted, large type, smart-ass passive aggressive response that says, “Was that so hard??”

Then again, you could completely cut yourself out of being the middle man, and just send them to http://justfuckinggoogleit.com.  But don’t send that one to your mom….

The Inaugural Oversight

The estimated crowd count for Inauguration Day in the Nation’s Capitol is reaching four million, with people booking rooms 150 miles from Washington. Forty million will be spent on parades, police, parties and pyrotechnics.

The biggest private donors will be handsomely rewarded with a variety of inaugural packages, meetings with political VIPs, tickets to the swearing-in ceremony and parade, and hard-to-get entry into the official inaugural balls and dinners…and they’ll get first-in-line at the porta-johns.

The Mayor has estimated it will cost the district $17.3 million to help pay for security at the first post-Sept. 11 inauguration, which includes 6,000 law officers and 2,500 military personnel to guard the 250,000 people at the swearing-in and the millions expected to line the parade route.

Meanwhile, fires in California temporarily knocked out power to more than 20,000 homes and at least $15 million in houses burned.  Luckily, Oprah Winfrey’s “Promised Land” — the term she uses to describe her California estate – was left untouched…wow, now that’s power.

 

• 934 Homes Destroyed
• 42,000 Acres Burned,
• 21 Firefighters Injured
• $25 Mil. Suppression Costs

I smell smoke…I wonder how many fashion designer gowns the ladies are going to get to choose from to attend the big bash….?  

Cooking with Gusto

Lorena Bobbitt. You remember her. Whacked off her husband’s manhood one night after he returned, intoxicated, to their feely posturepedic after carousing the bars and wanting some whoop-dee-doo.

Right when I thought I got past THAT visual, with the associated shudders running up and down my spine –  or down in some nether parts – I came across an author who just may help her slither back into the limelight. On second thought, he might want to hire HER for her knowledge in the correct dissection and proper storage of those cajonies.

Yes, folks, welcome to “The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls.” Men, before you go running off protectively covering your plums, the recipes involve the nackers from animals – from pigs to stallions and ostriches – and are considered a delicacy..and some think, an aphrodisiac.

Now, mind you, I didn’t go seeking out this book. Can’t even imagine what site I was on when I fell into the deep abyss of extraneous links and came across this cookbook.

Perhaps this Thanksgiving, we should go a different route.  I don’t think the Pilgrims would mind.  Some of the delicious palate-pleasers on the menu could be:

• Heart-shaped Turkey Testicles (uh, cookie cutters?)
• Pig Testicles with Potatoes (peter piper picked a peck of….)
• Bull Testicles (with Bechamel Sauce, of course)
• Testicle Pizza (you mean that’s not sausage??!) 

The Chinese believed that eating testicles on a regular basis boosted libido and cured impotence. Wonder if Loretta ever thought of using a fork instead?