CatDecenzo’s Weblog

Just some mundane madness

Christmas Letters from Home

giftwrapping-001I was discussing with my co-worker at lunch today the little nuances people have about Christmas traditions.  She refuses to wrap gifts.  After all, God did put glitzy bags into Hallmark stores, so she figures she’ll just shove her gifts into those.  I, on the other hand, have to wrap mine, unless of course it’s that big bad HumVee I bought The Mister.  I had to crawl under the tailpipe to reach that 6-mile grossgrain ribbon that I wrapped around the body of that sucker. Kidding.  But really, I’m a bit obsessed with making sure the ribbon matches at least one color in the paper, that every crease is solidly pressed in origami-like precision and taped just so. The ribbon must be tied – not knotted – or the recipient must rise from their comfy chair – which could result in the spilling of their hot chocolate – and bang around the kitchen drawers looking for a knife or scissors. How rude!

Then the topic of Christmas cards came up.  Again, God gave us the technology to print out address labels, she says, so why write them out by hand? Press ‘n stick, baby. Once again, that’s just too impersonal. My cards have to be hand-written, addressed with my favorite gold Sharpie, complete with little swirls in my letters, sometimes with a small sketch of a holly branch or two for celebratory style.

Then she really ruined my appetite talking about the all-tacky Christmas Letter. You know, the ones friends have impersonally mass printed on their Staples’ Christmas candy cane stationary, bragging about their five children who all have 4.9999999 grade averages, enough sports trophies to line the Hall of Fame, and their many travels to far away lands. (Do they even make fruitcake in China??)

My New Year’s resolution may just have to be to learn to relax like my friend, be a little lazy, go with the flow and, as they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do…” But to me, a Christmas letter will still have to be customized and personal, and have to be real and straight from the heart, thusly:


Dear [Uncle Nunzio],

It’s been a great year here with the fam.  I’m glad to hear you survived and are outta jail and will be able to visit Dominic over at the home.  He will really appreciate your visit, because he has been getting in a lotta trouble with the blue-haired ladies.  He’s been wearing his diapers backwards and was charged with exposure last week, so he’ll enjoy your company and support.

17018Little Sophie is growing up so fast.  She just got her degree at Cosmetic School…finally! Eight years ago, when she got her GED, we were sure she was never going to find herself.  But she’s doing well.  Her apartment in our basement is really cute.  She should go to decorating school! You should see what she can do with a yard of fur! She’s going to some day buy the mobile home across the street, but we don’t think it’s big enough for her and all her kids.  And, more great news, she’s expecting again, so we’ll have another grandbaby!! The Lord is great!

tubMike and I have been traveling a lot this year.  We visit the casinos over in West Virginia at least once a month.  And in the summer, we went to the Poconos and renewed our vows and stayed in a room with – can you believe it – a pink, heart-shaped bathtub! It was so awesome! They even offered us champagne, but we just drank the bottles of Courvoisier that we snuck into our  luggage.  Cuz sometimes they charge you for that stuff on your bill…

Johnny is just our pride and joy.  He’s doing great and has a new girlfriend.  But he denies it by trying to cover up the hickies on his neck with my makeup!  Kids! Gotta love ’em! He’s doing well over at the LubeItUp shop.  He even gets an employee discount so we get new tires for the RV – cheap! He’s actually getting a Christmas bonus this year, wow. italianboy He’s going to buy himself a Glock, cuz ya know, you can never be too careful! And even though they don’t allow 12-year olds to carry one, it’s okay with us cuz his dad has taken him to target practice back behind Walmart.

I hope your family has a great Christmas.  I hope Grandma’s feeling better since she overdosed on that denture cream she thought was toothpaste. But she’s one mean bird, so I’m sure she’ll be fine soon.  Say hi to Antonio, Rocco, Guido, Agostino, Alfredo, Maggiorino, Generosa and all the gang!  And did I hear the District Attorney subpoenaed Anthony again? Man, that’s no way to celebrate the holidays! Wish him our best…

Ciao for now.


December 12, 2008 - Posted by | Random | , , , , ,

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