CatDecenzo’s Weblog

Just some mundane madness

Twitter Dum Twitter Dee

twitter_of_the_shrew

Twitter, oh, Twitter. I debated even looking at it when it first became popular, spending way too much time on Facebook as it is.  But I’ve crossed over to the dark side, and I don’t think there’s a vaccine for this kind of addiction.

I am now Twitter’s bitch. Most of the people I follow are a cast of characters that would put a Nora Ephron casting call to shame. I know I’ve been on way too long, because I often have dreams about the fabulous sitcom one could create within this walk of shame, and the abundance of humorous one-liners and quips. I think there is quite an art to digesting life’s ups and downs into 140 characters. Trust me. It’s not easy.

I am pretty selective about who I follow.  If I don’t have coffee snorting out my nose, if I’m not peeing in my pants, or if I don’t find myself saying “OMG [in big capital letters], I’ve so been there,” then I probably won’t follow. I don’t follow celebrities…they’re whores already.  I like to give the rest of the common folk a chance. I follow new moms, authors, cartoonists, sparring couples, folks from different parts of the world, hot chicks, bad boys, soldiers, grumpy old men and lovely aging women.

Some people say it is an enormous time waster. If you are a multi-tasker, however, and know how to discipline yourself and know how to do things with one hand [insert giggle here], it can be done. [Training tip #1: You just must take caution, however, if you find yourself even saying words, like,  “with one hand,” you will get some people following you, uninvited, who are ready to do all kinds of things to you “with one hand.” That’s the ewwww factor you must learn to live with…then proceed to chopblock them.]

TwitterChurchThere is an unwritten rule amongst my Twitter family. We are there to hold each other up, touch each other inappropriately, question – and embrace – each other’s motives. Being devious is a delight. Menacing is encouraged, although no meanness is allowed. Having a flair for fun reaps its own rewards. It’s the one family you can actually depend on that will NOT make you feel unworthy, unloved, too short, too fat, too boring, or just that you are a downright pain in the ass. And if someone does, it’s as easy as pushing a button to get them removed from the family.  And if that doesn’t work, well, there’s always Uncle Nunzio. But I digress…

Everything and everyone is fair game on Twitter.  In-laws, boogers, sex, no sex, and other taboo subjects that will never end up on Facebook, less you be the wrath of your sons and daughters, nieces, nephews and their friends, and their friends, and their friends. Nobody on Twitter will ever roll their eyes, and say “O, mommmmmm.” [Training tip No. 2: We know you love your children, but do them a favor – just don’t.]

Many say, “Now, why would I want to hear about somebody having a cup of coffee or going to the bathroom?” It’s not the cup of coffee, it’s the capability to make yours blurt out your nose when you read their take on it.  It’s not about going to the bathroom, it’s about some of the more intimate details going on in that bathroom, both clean and dirty. Another ewww factor. Sweet.

So if you just don’t get Twitter, then you just don’t get it. And we appreciate that you resist the temptation to follow.  It’s not that you might lack a sense of humor…well, yeah, you probably do…but we’re really afraid you just might tell mom on  us.

November 13, 2009 Posted by | Hobbies, Random | , , | Leave a comment

Top Ten Facebook No-No’s

"No, she diiiiiiin't!!"

"No, she diiiiiin't!!"

CAT’S TOP 10 NO-NO’S ON FACEBOOK:

1. Do not befriend your boss/coworkers.  You are bound to slip one day and talk about the drunken bash you attended at said other Facebook friend’s house the night before… and someone tags you with the photo of you wearing a lampshade on your head and you call in sick at work the next day….busted.  Not only that, but the coworker/boss wasn’t invited. Double busted.

2.  Avoid embarassing yourself. You send a gang invitation to 700 people on facebook to meet at a club/bar for a good time. Only one person shows up.

3. Don’t be lazy.  You send a gang invitation to everyone in your address book, but then you forget that friend or family member that you cut ties with years ago.  That perv uncle is now allowed access to your every move. Dontcha just hate when that happens?  You can “x” them off, but now you’re REALLY out of the will.

4.  Do check your privacy settings.  This gives you control over who can see what.  Be sure to check that “friends of friends of friends of friends” cannot see your profile without an invite.  See No. 1.

5.  Don’t indicate you are in a relationship.  Some young adults change that field so often, it’s a death wish for their social life. If you are under 30, your hormones are not settled enough to make that announcement. Just stop it.  Only indicate you are in a relationship if: a) she’s your babymama; b) she has a rock the size of gibraltor on her left hand; or c) she/he is your soulmate, and she/he is in agreement on that and you share an emotional prenup.

6.  Don’t put your dog/cat as your profile picture.  Enough said…you dork. This will prevent you from ever being able to say you are in a relationship! (And that includes you, Barrack, and your new little dog, Toto.) See No. 5.

7.  Refrain from discussing politics on your site.  Homeland Security is watching, yo.

8.  Refrain from posting images of yourself in personality-revealing photos that show you have questionable judgment.  This may include excessive display of the following: thongs, pongs, bongs, cleavage, tongues, fingers near tongues, clinging to the porcelain goddess, sliding down a pole (unless your are in the firefighting industry), glimpses of your caslapka, girls behaving badly, studying NFL playbooks.

9.  Limit pictures of small children to one or two cutesy photos.  We love children as much as you do, but for once, it really is all about you. Enjoy it while you can.

10.  Don’t take Facebook personally.  Yes, we were all picked last for the kickball team in grade school at one time or another. But just because someone has 1,679,546,649,870 friends, and you only have 10, it’s okay. Just be sure you’ve taken the picture of your cat off your site.  See No. 6.

Disssssss-claimer: Cat represents and endorses the accuracy and reliability of the above statements, advice, and opinions.  Reliance upon said opinions, advice or statements, although highly suggested, shall be at your own risk. I am not liable for social ineptness or communication line failures you may experience on your Facebook account. No animals were harmed in this production.

November 21, 2008 Posted by | Random | , , , | 4 Comments