He Who Smelt It, Dealt It….

Was that you, Blondi??? Bad dog....

I was watching a special last night about the many failed attempts that were made to assassinate Hitler – I think there were a total of 45. Of course, when you saw the fortress of troops and security he employed (wonder if they all had 401(k) plans?) to protect his every movement, and the impenetrable walls built up around him wherever he wandered, it wasn’t surprising that many of them, unfortunately, failed. The man was brilliant at the art of remaining unpredictable in his travels, thus thwarting even the most strategic of plots against him.

But the most intriguing part of the special was the fact that, since it was difficult to physically get near him, some attempts were made to poison either his food or water supply. But it seems he even employed a “taster” to pre-munch on that peanut butter to ensure its quality before it even got near his half-a-mustached lips. This taster was also responsible for ensuring that his food was not too spicy or strong because, apparently, it seems Hitler was cursed with extreme flatulence. Mmmmm, the close meetings down in those bunkers musta been some kind of appetizing.

Some doctors say very nervous people sometimes swallow a lot of air and it moves through the system rapidly, and their bodies don’t have time to absorb the oxygen – which make them, well, gassier than most people. Hey, I’d be nervous, too, if I couldn’t even drop my load without wondering if the toilet paper roll was ticking. The paranoia alone must have sent enough hydrogen sulfide gas through his system to plan his own explosive demise. If he had just waited long enough, he may have never even had to use that pistol. Could have just handed old Eva Braun a pack of sturdy matches.

Wow, what an embarrassment for the ruthless leader of the Third Reich. But for being such a brilliant strategist, he was actually pretty stupid. Seems he was a strict vegetarian – eating things like oatmeal with linseed oil, cauliflower and boiled apples. Well, duh, Adolph…guess your guests at the private chalet up in the Bavarian Alps must have endured something a little more than healthful mountain air. Was that one of the mountain goats….?

Now if old Claus Von Staffenberg (played by Tom Cruise in Valkyrie…no, don’t go see it. He was about as believable being a German colonel as I would be playing Aretha Franklin…) had just sat quietly at the meeting, it would have taken merely someone lighting up a cigarette to light that fart and send Adolph and those Gestapo gagging, and blow that Wolf’s Lair sky  high.